Trying To Get Motivated Again

Ever since the heart attack in Vegas I just don't seem to give a shit about anything for too long. I just feel so apathetic and lazy. I've ignored alot of my responsibilities from time to time and I just can't seem to get going. I always used to be so energetic...now I just don't seem to care about anything. It's not that I don't want to...it's like I just can't or I seem to have forgotten how. I tried to talk to my doctor about it yesterday...he was very kind, but he had that look like "wow this dude is fucked up". So IO let it go. I don't dare talk to my roomate about it...prob get the same look.

So I'm just trying to fix myself...but I don't know what's broken.

I just wish I had someone to talk to sometimes. It's pretty lonely out here. That may seem like an odd statement ,but it's true. Eventhough I live with someone I still feel alone. Everyone I meet seems to have thier own agenda...thier own thing to do. Everyone seems to want something from me and all I want is to feel the "quan"...feel loved... feel happy.

God I don't seem to remember how that feels anymore other than the oppisit of how I feel now. It's been more than three years since I've felt some sort of peace and direction I my life. I guess when Kathy died I died too...I don't know...but it seems that I've been trying to crawl back to the land of the living and I can't quite make it. I've tried everything I can think of and I just can't find the person I used to be...and I miss him.