" A simple 'I love you.' can change another's world."
---Cliffhanger Jones

Well I did pretty good on my to do list during my time off:

• Finished the painting.
• Caught up on laundry.
• Did the lawn and trimmed the Hedges (Homer helped).
• Went to get car tags but ran into a little snag there but it should be cleared up by the end of the week.
• Started reading the Harry potter books.
• Oh yeah... I cashed in the cans too!

For most of you out there today is Monday,but for me it's Saturday!!!! Two whole days off this week! That is unless the resort burns down or something.
All week long I think of all the things I want to get done or places and things I want to do on my two days off. I have it all maped out...charted....even written down sometimes!!!! BUT....when the weekend finally comes and I should be all revved up and ready to go....well guess what? All I wanna do is veg. Hmmmm.....
I spose it's the same for everybody....the spirit is willing, but the body says "Fuck this!".
Maybe today will be different....I'm at least posting and it's only six a.m.!!! Yeah well, we'll see won't we?

Let's play a little game...I'm gonna list all the things I planned to do during the next two days and come Wednesday moring we'll review the list and see just how much I actually do....hell you can have even more fun and place bets(those of you who know me will prob bet against me and make a killing!)
Here's the list:

• Cash in the soda and beer cans that are piling up(well...mostly beer cans).
• Wash my car (inside windows too (ewwwww)
• Paint the bathroom,bedroom and patio doors.
• Get Oregon tags for my car(they haven't caught me yet!)
• Do the lawn....(trim the hedges too)
• Clean the spare bedroom...(or what I refer to as the "holding area").
• Re-arrange the garage....(The Pit).
• Catch up on laundry (they hate it when I do the laundry so maybe this should go on the funlist).
• Clean the fridge (might have to buy one of those white suits the hazmat dudes wear).

OK now here is a list of the things I'd REALLY like to do"The Fantasy Fun List":

• Go to the baseball game tonight....it's t-shirt night yehaw!!!!
• Go hiking at Tumalo State Park and take some pictures.
• Sit out in the sun and start reading the Harry Potter books (never got around to them).
• Sit out in the sun and start re-reading King's Gunslinger series.
• Sit out in the sun all day drinking beer then call all my friends (better scratch that one ....did it last summer and it got kinda ugly).
• Drink beer and watch all of the Austin Powers flicks back to back.
• Drink beer and watch all of the Rocky flicks back to back.
• Don't take my "happy pills" for two days in hopes they send me home on Wednesday for being a bitch.

Well there it is. Let's see which list I actully get those most items accomplihed on. Given my past history it could be real toss up!

Now who say's you cant't have fun in Central Oregon?

We went to a Bend Elks baseball game last night...The firm that my S.O. works for had thier office party there...hob nobbed with the mayor of Bend....had a serious discussion with him regarding the traffic round-abouts (yeah right!). It was a good time. Did get a nasty look from the S.O. when I scarfed down a brat though.

When you're through changing, You're through.
---Bruce Barton
I happen to like change. Yeah, those of you who know me are going "DO YA THINK???!!!
Change is fun if it's done right...but of course I haven't quite mastered that part of it. I kinda jump into things then go "HOLY SHIT! WHAT HAVE I DONE???" But fortunatly I seem to manange transition just fine. Unfortunatly most people aren't quite as adventurous. Those folks try everthing they can to avoid even some of the most simple changes and sometimes dealing with them drives me crazy. I run into this alot at work...trying to convice my staff to try new methods and approaches to problems, but I also deal with it in my personal life as well. If I wasn't so crazy it would probably bother me , but I actually enjoy the challenge of convincing others of my point of view...sometimes I win and sometimes I fail miserably. But whatever the out come I don't get too upset...just move on to yet another new idea. (drives everyone around me crazy).

The thing that excites me about change is that I live life believing this is the only ride we're gonna get so if there is an oppertunity to try something new and it has a somewhat possible potential of improving my life I usually say "Damn the torpedoes!!!...Full speed ahead!!!"

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
---Elbert Hubbard

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
---Yogi Berra

Getting a late start this morning...this was supposed to be my day off, but in my business shit happens. I did manage to take half the day off yesterday and had a very nice time just hanging out with the S.O. We never seem to get enough alone time so it was kinda special. Had alot of trouble sleepng though---major anxiety attack aroud one a.m....everything got wierd so I took took some of those pills they gave me and now I feel pretty good.....over slept a bit but that's ok.

I never ever had what I'm guessing was an anxiety attack until I had the heart thing. They're pretty scary if you ask me! All I could do was sit on the edge of the bed and think about everything that needs to be done and no solutions came to mind...not like me at all. So I took the meds and slept like a baby. Now I feel great! The HA must've created some inbalance or something 'cause I've never been one to panic about things, but man was I in a panic...heavy breathing, racing heart....yikes!

Looks like I'm ok now thanks to the wonders of modern medicine!

Our life is what our thoughts make it.

---Marcus Aurelius

Staying motivated has got to be my goal for the day! I’ve really been struggling trying to keep going on all cylinders. I don’t know what the problem is, but I just don’t feel right on a lot of different levels. During the day I feel like I’m on an emotional roller-coaster… on minute I'm up, the next down, and then everyone in a while I’m upside down!!!!

I’m hoping it’s just anxiety from having the H A but I don’t know. I feel like I’m in dry-dock, stagnating…or something. I want to move forward but I don’t know where to. I want to dream and plan again but it’s like my heart just isn’t in it anymore…and for those of you who know me (if you’re even out there) you know that just isn’t the old Cliffhanger. It’s hard to talk to anyone about this … I guess that’s why I started this blog…it’s more fun than a diary, and there is always that secrete hope that someone will drift across cyber-space, read something here and relate and maybe even contact me and yell at me to “SNAP OUT OF IT!!!”.

Anyway... Today is a new day! And I'm ready to give the roller-coaster one more ride.

I'm going to stop putting things off starting tomorrow.
---Sam Levenson
Yesterday seemed like two or three days rolled into one minus the productivity. Must've been the weather....very hot! Couldn't keep the crew motivated much less myself. Joined my guys for lunch pool-side....that didn't help the energy level. The evening was much better....did chicken on the barbie, had a nice cigar and a couple of Coronas. The S.O. was in a good mood (hmmmm wonder what's up) so all was well.
Went to sleep wondering who I am and why am I really here.

Random Thought:
Why do I feel everyone loves me except the one I love the most?

We must all hang together, or most assuredly we will all hang separately.
---Benjamin Franklin

We had our company picnic yesterday. Above is a picture of some of my maintenance crew.

Things to do today:

• Catch up at the office...it's pretty easy to get behind in a job like mine. What day is it anyway?
• Spend a little time with my S.O. (at least tell her I love her)
• Do a little more painting in the house.

Things I'd really like to do today:

• GO BACK TO BED!

On a more introspective note:

I really wish I could get my feelings across to certian people (one in particular). When it comes to dealing with this person I am almost always misunderstood and it's driving me crazy! And the sad thing is this person means more to me at this point then anyone!

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies within us while we live.
---Norman Cousins

I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone doing anything weird wasnt weird at all, and that it was the people saying they were weird that were weird.
---Paul McCartney








Another day begins...
(whoopie) Just woke up and am only on my first cup of coffee so bear with me.

Things I did yesterday:

• Had the day off
• Spent some time working on this page. Added a few things most notably the photo album... I should have plenty of new pictures by the end of the week.
• Spent most of the afternoon watching the Aviator....outstanding movie!!! So in other words I didn't get anything done that I planned to do.
• Talked to my sister back east. She's my best friend and last remaining link to who I once was.
• Went to sleep last night feeling lost between two worlds...

What's up for today:

• Plan on painting the doors and trim in the house since I'm off again.
• Would like to do something fun this evening...still having trouble finding alot to do in this town that interets me though.

What I'd really like to do today:

• Call up Mayor Bill and convince him to let me blow up all the "round-abouts" in town (yes...I got stuck in one again yesterday).

As I mentioned in my profile I am a widower. My wife passed away on Sept. 4th 2002. We were only married for seven years but those were seven of the most fascinating years of my life. She was taken so suddenly and I was devestated. One reason I managed to make it back to the land of the living was yhat one night in a semi-drunken, grief-saturated state I stumbled across the MSN Grief and Loss Group (www.groups.msn.com./GriefLoss) There I met so many wonderful people who shared thier stories of loss and made me feel so not alone. I recommend this site to anyone who has suffered a loss.

Something To Think About:
When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened.
----Winston Churchill

Things I did yesterday:

• Went to work after three days off... had a productive day... nobody screwed anything up while I was gone!
• Felt energetic with the warm weather and all so I spent the late afternoon out in the yard trimming bushes and pulling weeds. Homer helped till he got bored...(more about Homer in the future)
• The S.O. (significant other) cooked a great meal, but she left the room cause I chewed too loud....hmmmm
• Fell asleep with a Madonna song playing in my head (where did that come from???)

Things to do today:

• Go to work...If you want to call it that...I finally found a career that is both challenging and fun. It's great to be surrounded by people on vacation...plus the swimming pools add some wonderful scenery!
• Pay some bills (interesting concept)
• Have a nice dinner (try not to chew too loud!)

Picture of the day:

Some of the scenery at work (sorry...no pool shots)

News Flash
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except for France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America

What a defiant pose! 7/6/05

Things I did yesteryay:

• Woke up forgetting I had the day off.
• Checked the headlines and lost my good mood.
• Hiked the lava fields outside of town.
• Stood in line for thirty minutes to renew my heart medication...If not for insurance I'd be dead!!!
• Bankrupted yet another community on Sim City 4 then took a nap.
• Did pork chops on the BBQ.
• Decided to grow my "T" back (so what if it's grey?)
• Decided once again that tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life then really got depressed.
• Slept on the couch...AGAIN!

Lava fields outside of Bend, Oregon

Miller Park Milwaukee Wisconsin 2004
Posted by Picasa

Well it's time for another begining to this crazy life of mine. Fifty-one years on this ride and I'm still looking for new ways to ammuse myself. I just can't stand being in a rut,and if you knew all there is to the story so far you'd say "DO YA THINK!!!!!?????"

This time the changes are being prompted by a nasty little thing called a heart attack. I had one (or two they may think) on May 19th. It happened in Vegas of all places. I was alone when it happened and that made it all the more interesting. I really thought I was gonna die...it was very strange....but not really scarey at all. Now the flight back was another story...we may get to that at a later date.

The new beginning I'm talking about is actually a change in attitude. I've pretty much drifted through life... took whatever was offered and went with it. No real plan...or none that lasted too long. I've just pretty much existed. Don't get this wrong...I'm not a bum or a transieant....I've always had a good job....three careers as a matter of fact, but I've never been totally satisified. The one period in my life where I thought I was totally fullfilled was between 1995 and 2002...but that ended when my wife of seven years died of cancer...my life fell apart.

I'm with someone new now and on the other side of the country with a whole new career....but I've still been drifting, searching againg for I don't know what.

Then the heart attack.

I've spent the last month since the event denying it ever happened or when I did admit to it I blew it off as a fluke. Something happened though...deep inside of me...I don't know what but it has compelled me to start a new journy....perhaps my last one...and to document it out here in cyber-space for all or none to see.