My Resolutions

I really wanted to list my New Year’s resolutions today, but I don’t know, there are really so many things I want to do in the coming year that I don’t know where to start. Maybe if I break them down into categories…
Health
1. Follow doctor’s orders!
2. Quit smoking
3. Get on a regular exercise program
4. Gain back the 25lbs. that I lost

Finances
1. Keep the check book balanced
2. Enroll in the 401K
3. Keep track of daily spending
4. Pack a lunch for work
5. Make a decision about the house

Personal
1. Rekindle old friendships
2. Make a new best friend out here
3. Listen more
4. Be honest with the way you feel on a day to day basis
5. Follow the Golden Rule

Daily
1. Read an hour a day
2. Continue to post daily

There…that about does it. But that was the easy part!
Happy New Year!

My 100th Post

Wow!
My 100th post! What to say...what to say?
Well. If you've noticed I took a few days off from writing. It wasn't intentional at first, but then I thought I'd just do other stuff so as not to get burned out or just post because I had to.

I’m working on a list of New Year’s resolutions to post here at the beginning of the tear…it should be very interesting. Haven’t given too much thought to them yet but there may be one or two big ones in there.
While I was on my little hiatus someone posted a comment…very rare so I was excited till I read it. I was pissed off at first cause you hope and hope for some kind of feed back then when you get it its rather negative. But then I thought about it on the drive to work…I started this blog as kind of a chronicle of my life and a way to vent…but it has kinda turned into a “poor me” from time to time…which is not bad, but I suppose for someone who doesn’t know me it sounds like all I do is feel sorry for myself and cry in my beer.
So maybe as one of my resolutions I can promise to focus on the more positive aspects of my life and not be such a cry baby…but in the mean-time….Mr./Ms. Anonymous, “FUCK OFF!”.

Another Day

...of work, work, work!
Haven't had a full day off in eleven days!
Starting to get tired!
Do ya think?

No Title

Not much to say yet today...
But wanted to write something...
anything.

Site inspection was yesterday...my fourth one at this resort. We have a new regional manager. Very nice man. He had one on ones with the management team. Little half-hour sessions in private so he could get to know us. I was last...hey I'm always last. He must've been warned about me. Mine lasted close to an hour! my boss looked a bit nerveous when I came out. I'll have to clue him in today. I had no real complaints, but a lot of suggestions. Go figure!
Thinking bout taking a few days off in January. Gotta get this house in order. Also just want to hang out alone maybe take a day trip somewhere...need to take some more pictures of new sights!
But...I have to see that heart specialist on the third...who knows may be having surgery by the time its all over. You never know.

I feel good though. Just tired of some of the bull shit around here...makes me tense and funky.

Its funny though...the tension at work doesnt seem to bother me. It actually makes me come alive a bit...(dont tell my boss).

Got such a kick out of Mr. Matt's blog yesterday...I laughed about it a few times during the day... http://mrmattsworld.blogspot.com/

I have to work a bit today then do some Christmass shopping.

What I'd really like to do is run away with a certian someone tho. I still kick myself for breaking up with her!
(God I crack myself up!)
Dream on Cliff...dream on...
Well anyway...I've got good taste in women.
Enough goofin' off Cliff!
I here my partner (the boss) in the kitchen yellin' bout something...another day in paradise begins!

Why I Post

The following is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to a dear friend this morning. I’m posting it (heavily edited} to give anyone who reads this blog a real insight into who I am and what I’m feeling at the moment. That’s why I started this blog. I don’t post these things for sympathy, or to point a finger, or cry in my beer, I post for me. I also post for whomever might be feeling what I am feeling…good or bad so they may know that they are not alone…we are not alone. I also post for hope. Hope that as I type, venting and searching for answers and solutions, others may benefit in some way even if it’s just a laugh.
Cliff

Hey!

Sorry to hear that my blog worries you...it's the only real outlet I have. Sometimes it's all that keeps me goin.
You yourself are very wise. Your advice to me has always been right on, but I guess I don't know, or have forgotten how to look within myself. My move out here ended up being a dependency on someone else. That wasn't the plan, but that's how it worked out. I don't want to admit it was a mistake, and I haven't yet, but sometimes I don't know. If I look back on the last year as a whole...I haven't been happy. There was always something wrong ......
I don't know...that has always made me sad. I love my job and I've met some very cool people out here, but I don't feel and never really have felt like ME since I arrived......
....there were some bad things said in the beginning...that's when it all started. That's when I lost some of my valuable assets(my pride,my arrogance lol, my self-esteem). I found myself doing some shitty things to some very nice people...for the first time in my life I couldn't say that I am a nice guy...one of the good guys, and that makes me feel REAL bad on the inside.
I try really hard to get back on track,but it all seems so hopeless sometimes. Even in the darkest times of my life I've never felt like this...so alone...afraid to do anything so here I am just stagnating,writing on a stupid blog and hoping one day I'll wake up and I'll be back in "Kansas"...one day I'll wake up and I'll be loved and respected again....one day I'll wake up and be happy...

Reggie White's Birthday

Still Snowing

And snowing...and snowing.
I just can't shake the blues this morning.
Everything is getting me down lately...
Just everything!

Just Another Day In Paradise

Another day in paradise? Yeah right…it’s freezing here! Pretty, but still fuckin' freezing. Believe it or not this was taken in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. Even with the cloud cover at the resort it never got above what? 1o???
And to top it all off I was chasin' around outside of my office all day! It was just one major disasster after another(it's what I live for!) bullshit!!!
So after such a tough day you might imagine ol' Cliff spending the evening by the fire ,snugglin' with his sweetiee, and sippin' on some wine, bein' all romantic and stuff...NOT! This place may look like paradise but it sure ain't fantasyland!
You know who(not me), came home in a REAL foul mood. Come to think of it she almost always comes home in a foul mood...could it be she realizes she's comin' home to the likes of me?..naw...she loves me! This is the woman who said to me once"...well, you're not too repulsive to look at." and "...maybe it's because I'm not used to 'your type'." And oh yeah, "...You're not very'guy-like' are you?"...(never quite figured that one out but it can't be that bad can it?). So no...it isn't that. So anyway, me being the sensitive and understanding type, did the right thing which I have learned to do after countless failures during the past year.... I RAN AND HID! I spaced out with a book in the bedroom and probably feel asleep by eight!
What I life!...
I love it!...
Do you really Cliff?...
Well let's see... it's the only one I've got right now...so...
Carry on we must!

My Partner...

...for lack of a better word. Just thought I'd throw in a picture of her taken last night at my company christmas party. Damn I love her smile. She was getting into the christmas singers...they were very good!
Gotta run...more later.

A Christmas Message

Every year I post a Christmas message to my Grief and Loss group. After writing it this year I thought I would post it here in case anyone who drops by may be in need of some comfort in dealing with a loss. If you do need help or just some people to talk with who are experiencing what you are, I am linked to them from this blog.

I just wanted to stop by and wish all of my dear friends a very Merry Christmas, and let you know that I think of you often. Even though I’ve moved on with my life I have never forgotten the help and comfort I’ve found in this place. I have so many memories both happy and sad connected to the people I’ve met here and the conversations I’ve had with them. The glow of their typed words on my computer screen late at night was often the only beacon toward the land of the living. That place I thought I’d never see again.

For those of you who don’t know me my name is Cliffhanger Jones. I have been a member here since 2002. I lost my wife to lung cancer that September. This place was my salvation in a way. It gave me somewhere to when things got too bad rather than sit in a bar and drink myself to death. This place gave me hope…made me feel not so alone. This place made me happy and it made me sad too. This place also made me angry. Angry at death and how it affects us all. But this place also helped me turn that anger into understanding and acceptance. This place gave me friends. Friends that I still talk to now and then. We still laugh and cry together, but mostly now we laugh. This place gave me a special friend with whom I’ve been living with for more than a year now. This place brought me back to the land of the living.

I also want to say something to the new members: Right now you’re lost, and you may be lost for some time. You are going to head down paths that may not be the right ones. You’re going to make mistakes, and you’re going to become frustrated and angry. You’re going to lash out in anger at the ones you care for the most, including the one you lost and yourself. Don’t panic…its ok. If you have this place, and use it as a tool for repairing your sanity, your sanity will return.

I would also like to pass on something I’ve learned. It’s just a thought I came up with (or stole) a couple of years ago. This thought has helped me through the worst of times: You have lost someone very dear to you, someone who cared and loved you. That person may have been the love of your life, your reason for living. That loss is a terrible, terrible thing, and that loss has almost killed you. Try to remember this: You are actually one of the lucky ones; you at least can say “I had that love, I had that happiness. I have had the comfort of knowing someone else in this world truly loved and cared for me.” Just think my friends of all the people who will walk this earth their entire lives and have not had what you had found. Think of all the people whose anguish is not the loss of happiness, but the fact that they may never find it.

I hope all of you have a very peaceful and safe Christmas.
Love Always,
Cliff

A Reason To Go On

I don’t do alone very well. I think every guy would like to think of himself as a loner, the tough don’t need anybody type…we think it’s macho or something. I do. But I don’t like it much. Well maybe being alone by choice is ok sometimes, but my living situation isn’t quite like that. You see I live with someone I absolutely adore. In fact I moved thousands of miles to be with her. Left everything and took a leap of faith. I still have faith, but it’s dwindling.
Now this is going to be very hard to explain: I feel more alone than ever even though I’m with the person I love. I don’t know if it’s because I’m comparing her to other loves or what, but I just feel alone. I talk to her and she talks to me, but I don’t feel heard. We touch each other (not enough, but we touch), but I don’t feel touched. Deep down I’d like to think she loves me, but she rarely says it anymore…and for some people that may not be a big thing but for me it’s devastating.
I know how I feel, but I’m not sure about her. All I know is that I’m finding it harder and harder to function in the real world with these feelings of aloness haunting me. If she would just say something soft and sweet once and awhile…if she would just reach out now and then and re-assure me that she wants me, needs me, I’d be back on track…willing to do anything.
There is this scene in the second Rocky movie; Adrian is in a coma after childbirth. She didn’t want Rocky to fight again; he’s down…really down. But now that he may lose her he’s determined to give it all up for her. But she comes out of the coma, and says to him “win”. That still gives me chills… That’s what I want. That’s what I need.

Stress Test Today

Like I need anymore stress!
I’m beginning to believe my malady is more mental than physical. It’s all stress and trauma (drama).
I need a vacation or something…maybe time all alone even though I complain I’m alone a lot. Just need rest or time to think or something.
Fly away…fly away…
Went to sleep very early last night…in the bed this time but alone…woke up at three am with this huge anxiety thing happening. Everything just seemed to come out of the dark at me…every worry, every “what if this happens (doesn’t happen) thought raced through my mind. This sudden feeling of being totally desperate covered me like a blanket…and I was hot. Not warm, but burnin' up. I floundered to the basement steps to cool off and have a smoke. I began to calm down, and then upon my return to bed I had these chills! I was freezing! That of course took my mind of the total state of despair and I somehow feel asleep.
Exciting life hey?
Christmas is coming, site inspection is coming, so much to do yet. The staff party is tomorrow night…I’m looking forward to that cause we haven’t been out of the house socially in a long time (the disadvantages of living with a” home-body”(party-pooper).
Wish I could find a job where I could just write like this all day…no problem…whatever.
OK that’s enough for now. I’m starting to make no sense…

Tired of my whining?

I have decided to stop complaining (yeah right!). Who me? Complain? More like I’ve been whining a lot if you ask me, but don’t ask me. This pity party has been going on for quite awhile now and I think it’s time to move on…or out…or up…or whatever.
There’s simply too much to do…now it’s time to do!
Besides what’s the use in complaining, or whining, or feeling sorry for my sorry ass? Nobody listens….cares…not even me come to think of it…I’ve just kinda gotten used to hearing myself bitch. So anyway, no more complaining (for a while).
By the way, I slept on the couch…but I’m not complaining nosurriebob! Not me!

Today is CHIRISTMAS TREE DAY! Should be interesting…funny how all the chore-type stuff happens on my day off…oops didn’t mean to complain. Actually I’m kinda excited ‘bout it. We don’t get to do much together so anything like this is fun for me.

Speaking of fun, this blog has been fun…been doing it since July of this year and I manage to post almost everyday!...that’s a biggie for me…I don’t have the greatest record for sticking to things…but this is different and I’ve liked writing since I was a kid even started a novel once or twice!...see what I mean ‘bout not sticking? I guess I like too many things…I try something once, said I tried it then move on…kinda weird, I know, but that’s me I guess. The blog thing is different tho. I can bounce round to different things, change my mind bout things even be a whole different persona as in Cliffhanger Jones. You didn’t think that was my real name did you? Sorry if I just fucked up the illusion. I'm just me...a wanna be ...a maybe me...a shoulda been me...a coulda been me...ok...ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
I should post a Christmas note...not a holiday note on the Grief and Loss site today,eventhough I get all emotional. I should let all my old friends there know I think of them often. Christmas is such a hard time for those who have suffered a loss...not that every single fuckin day isn't but Christmas time gets the most votes for suckiest time of the year.

Started reading "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. It's HUGE, but I've wanted to read it for years and never got to it. I don't read as much as I should...I mean I read blogs and other web sites....I read the news, stuff for work, but shit I used to read sometimes two books a week...then the web came along...
Guess I should add READ MORE to my list of New Years resolves along with all the others like quit smoking and start working out and drink less beer(even if it is "less filling and tates great") and be a better person and stop whining !

I Wonder

Am I taking myself too seriously or not serious enough…I wonder. I wonder if all the anxiety is a product of just not relaxing enough…then I wonder if maybe I’m too relaxed…agghhhh!
It would drive u nuts to be me!
Oh well...not a bad day off...got some stuff done but still managed to goof off a bit.
Chatted with MR> Matt a bit...that's always fun. Wanted to call my sister but the time difference screwed that up...I'll try tomorrow.
Speaking of...my partner and I are gonna meet at lunch to buy our Christmas tree tomorrow...not holiday tree thank you very much. Doesn't seem like Christmas to me...guess cause of the move and all...too much too fast sometimes...so hectic and that's without thinking of Christmas, so throw that in and shit I am gonna go nuta!
I'm tired. So what else is new?
Should go to bed or the couch...whichever comes first...or which spot I get kicked out of first...a dogs life! Bow wow!
See apparently I have this snoring problem...I wouldn't know cause I'm asleep at the time of the alleged transgression..but it seems to cause more trouble 'round here than a fox in a hen house...again I wouldn't know for sure 'cause I'm asleep. But trust me I hear about it. Doen' help that my partner has the hearing of supergirl! I can not get away with anything...no mumblin' under my breath... You know what I mean.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah I'm gonna go I think...nite to all and to all agood night.

Problems

Well my computer is fucked up again!
I'm doing a scan right now looks like I've got some spyware in here...decktop hijacker shit....
go figure
never a dull moment
now the kid is gonna have a hissy....your computer sucks!
whatever.
So anyway.....I'm off today and there's lots to do...my partner was off yesterday and she got alot done so I'd better move my ass so I don't here about it tonight.
Sure would be nice to just fuck off for one day... do nothin but watch tv and eat crappy stuff.
Hmmm..... the scan didn't fix it. Looks like it's time to take this thing to the computer hospital.

Facing Reality?

Do we all get to a point where we don't move forward, but instead float between past and presant...
Thinking of what we had and lost
And at the same time just going through the motions of existance
Hoping to get it back...
Grasping in the dark corners of our memories to something that is no longer there...
Sitting in our solitude...
Crying alone
Secretly hoping someone will see...
Pretending that it's only temporery
Whatever it is
And sooner or later this will have only been a dream

Time

Time is just flying by! Christmas iss almost here and we haven't done a thing to get ready. The move messed us up big time. We are still tired from moving...so much of are stuff hasn't been put away yet...some of it may never be found!
I've been in Central Oregon fourteen months already and have been at this "new" job for a year! Mama has been gone for two years and Kathy passed away three years ago! It's just all moving faster and faster! Tick...tick...tick... We all just follow along...tock..tock...tock... The world keeps on moving along and things just keep on changing.
Things seem farther and farther away. I remember my dad saying"Twent-five years ago...(come to think of it he said that alot!...everything was twenty-five years ago!)anyway...I'd think wow! you're old! Hell he's been gone what? Twenty-five years! I graduated from high school thirty-five years ago...would've been married to the Divine Miss M twenty-five years...ten years to Kathy! I lost my virginityWhen?...well let's not go there.
I could go on and on...(like time) but I have to get to work. This is an interesting topic though..I may come back to it if I find the time.

Trying To Get Motivated Again

Ever since the heart attack in Vegas I just don't seem to give a shit about anything for too long. I just feel so apathetic and lazy. I've ignored alot of my responsibilities from time to time and I just can't seem to get going. I always used to be so energetic...now I just don't seem to care about anything. It's not that I don't want to...it's like I just can't or I seem to have forgotten how. I tried to talk to my doctor about it yesterday...he was very kind, but he had that look like "wow this dude is fucked up". So IO let it go. I don't dare talk to my roomate about it...prob get the same look.

So I'm just trying to fix myself...but I don't know what's broken.

I just wish I had someone to talk to sometimes. It's pretty lonely out here. That may seem like an odd statement ,but it's true. Eventhough I live with someone I still feel alone. Everyone I meet seems to have thier own agenda...thier own thing to do. Everyone seems to want something from me and all I want is to feel the "quan"...feel loved... feel happy.

God I don't seem to remember how that feels anymore other than the oppisit of how I feel now. It's been more than three years since I've felt some sort of peace and direction I my life. I guess when Kathy died I died too...I don't know...but it seems that I've been trying to crawl back to the land of the living and I can't quite make it. I've tried everything I can think of and I just can't find the person I used to be...and I miss him.

A Visit To The Doctor

I went to see my doctor yesterday for the first time in six months. His office called the day before to confirm an appointment that I didn't make, but since I haven't been feeling well I went anyway. When I got there they said they had called me by mistake ,but I could see the doctor if I wanted to. Figuring it must be fate I hung around and saw him. Bottom line is that I'm going to try to do what he suggests this time starting with some more tests because he feels something strange is going on with my heart. Which of course I've known all along.

Creepy The Clown

I have discovered Creepy the Clown. Don't know what I'm gonna do with him but we'll see. Check out this site.http://www.creepyclown.com/ There are links to some pretty strange aet work...very interesting to someone as wierd as me.

MR. Matt Is Now A blogger!

One of my all time favorite dudes(who just happens to be my nephew) now has a blog of his very own! Check it out!http://mrmattsworld.blogspot.com/
Here's a shot taken of Mr. Matt manuvering his moblie beer holder around Miller Park. I always had a great time at the old ball yard with him...he's a real babe magnet. His classic pick up line?..."How ya doin'?" It works for him! By the way if you enlarge the picture you'll see Mini-Me in the old mini-mobile...if memory serves I believe they were racing to the beer garden!

The Move Is Complete

We'll we're all moved in...now we just have to put everything away!
We've been hit with aolot of snow here and that's making us all alittle lazy, but we are making progress slow but sure.