A Few Notes

I called a knee specialist yesterday, but can’t get into see him until the 31at! In the meantime the pain continues and walking isn’t very pretty. The three of us went out to dinner last night and that all but whipped me out, don’t know how I’m gonna get through class tomorrow and Thursday…it should be interesting.

Today I’m gonna stay off of it as much as possible but tonight I have to go out to the resort and set up the room for tomorrow…Becky said she’d help if I wanted her to.

I switched down to lighter smokes in p[reparation for my quitting date of Sept. 1st. I am determined to do it this time. We shall see.

My partner has a good shot at a job at the hospital…if she gets it we can start getting money together to move the rest of my stuff out here.

On Injured Reserve

I’m on the injured reserve list. My right knee had been bothering me for a few days…kinda popping in and out, but yesterday morning I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t move it! Went to the ER where they said I may have torn some cartilage! I have been referred to a knee specialist. What next! IT REALLY HURTS!!!!!

Taking The First Step

I worked the evening shift last night….boring! It’s almost seven-thirty in the morning and I don’t know if I’m working during the day today or if I have to go in and cover the night shift again…I have to call that kid in a bit and find out if he will be in or not. I called him last night and he wasn’t sure…not too considerate.

About Seattle….I decided to apply for the transfer. I have to get formal permission from my boss and his boss and his boss’s boss! Soooo I talked to my boss and explained that I just want to see if I would even be considered and that it has nothing to do with him. He was pretty positive about it and encouraged me to at least try can always turn down any offer without affecting my current job. I just want to know I the company feels I’m good enough for a larger market. Then I can decide.

I feel really bad about not telling my partner, but shit I just need to know what my options are before I open up a big can of worms around here,

I put in for a personal day for next Friday and a weeks vacation starting on the 16th of Sept. I just need time out!

Coming or Going?

Lately I don't know if I'm coming or going as far as work goes. I have a very young employee who normally works the evening shift...his mom is in the hospital...he's been coming into work then in the late afternoons he says he has to go leaving no coverage. I covered on my day off Monday and another employee covered last night. I spoke to the employee who's mom is sick when he came in yesterday and asked he would be able to work the full shift till nine and he said yes, but as soon as I got home at three he called and said he had to leave! We got coverage from a guy who was in my class so I didn't have to go back. Then this morning I was ready to go to work and he called and said he can't come in today 'cause he was tired from being at the hospital yesterday! Sooooo....I have to work the night shift! Yuck!

I can't really plan my days this way can I?

I'm crabby and burned out. Facilitating these classes has certainly put a strain on me...one more to go next week and I should be done til 07!!!

I'm going to finally take some vacation time in the middle of next month. Haven't taken ANY time off since November and that was just two days when we moved. I'm not planning anything special just don't want to go to work or answer the phone!

The Adventure Is Stalled

I woke up at one this morning in the throws of an anxiety attack just like the ones I was having during the sale of my house. I just lay there asking myself the same old questions: what am I doing with my life? Why am I not Happy? Am I really as fucked up as I feel right now? Where has the sense of adventure gone?

the adventure has stalled I guess. Just like my life was stalled when Kathy died. It's become a grind again only this time I face the grind pretty much on my own. I've reach a time in my life where I can pretty much do what I want, but the problem is : WHAT DO I WANT?

I fell trapped because of some kind of loyalty. I feel afraid to move on...to take a chance again. I've lost my nerve and I'm not sure how to get it back.

Crazy Night

What a crazy night! It started out normal enough...till l statd the fire and dragged out the boom box. Drank wat too much rolling rock and got a little rowdy. You know we've had too much when we start singing duets! Then I got a little wierd and started tossing my empty bottles at the fence LOL...guess I had a little tension to work off! Feels good to cut loose now and then.

See...we do get along for short periods of time.

Just Thinking

Lots of thought running through my head this morning. Thinking about the future a lot. Thinking about the past too. It’s getting close to the fourth anniversary. Can you believe it? Four years since she died. Believe it or not I still have days where it seems like a bad dream. I still slip and think she’s still out there in the kitchen back home mixing a drink or cooking something special. There are times when I can still here her voice. There are so many times when I just want to talk to her just one more time. Especially now when I feel so lost without her. I want to apologize for all the stupid things I’ve done since she died. I want to explain that I was just so lost and lonely and scared when she left. I also want to tell her that she truly was the love of my life.

I’m thinking about the present too. I’m sitting here asking myself if I’m happy. I guess I am with certain aspects of my life. I am happy with my job some days I’m happy with my relationship with my partner, but that feeling doesn’t last very long. I keep hoping things will change for the better. I keep thinking and hoping that more time will make things better. But then I keep thinking that time is just slipping away from me. I want to be happy NOW!

My co-workers are encouraging me to apply for a position that has become available in Seattle. I have a good chance of getting it too. I am afraid to even apply because that would mean leaving her. She already told me she won’t come with me and that really hurt. But, what else is new…she always hurts me in one way or another. I’m just afraid to go. I sick as it sounds this live has become my comfort zone. I’m not really happy, but at least I’m not alone.

Not Much To Say

Saturday morning and of course I have to work. What a bummer. Oh well.

Had a nice evening last night I cut the front lawn and had some beers while Becky cooked steaks on the grill. Went to bed pretty early.

Today should be a ball-buster and tomorrow looks about the same.

My partner has been sooooo nice to me the last two day or so…I wonder what’s up. LoL…

Actually we get along ok; it’s just that I’m so used to her being on the crabby side so when she’s sweet I get suspicious. What a strange relationship. I guess it could be worse though so I won’t complain.

Summer is slipping by…it’s been fun. Not looking forward to winter because you never know what it’s going to be like here. The mountains look pretty in the winter though.

Not much to say this morning just trying to get back into the habit of writing daily.

Sept. is coming fast and that’s when I’ve decided to quit smoking…we’ll see wont we? I really need to…too expensive and I get out of breath really fast these days. The last time I quit I broke out in no fooling it was crazy! But I did well for about three months. I was pretty proud of myself too.

Well suppose II should jump in the shower and get ready for work. Whoopie!!!!!

So Much Drama!

Well I got through the class, but it was very challenging. So much drama in some people's lives it blows my mind! Some of the people we employ just don't seem to have a clue! No work ethic at all! It's just "me, me me!"

If I wouldve behaved the way some of these young ones do I would've gotten my ass kicked by some of my old bosses! But of course the world has changed. We now have to be sensitive to thier percieved needs and feelings. What a bunch of bull shit! What some of these punks need is a good kick in the ass!

What happened to respect and the pride in your work? Why do so many young ones feel that they are owed a job? Pardon my language, but the work force is becoming a bunch of selfish pussies.

I got news for you guys: the world doesn't owe you a living! You have to work hard and prove yourself! The job or life for that matter isn't supposed to be fair. I don't know where that concept came from in the first place. Didn't your parents teach you anything?

Whew! Now that I got that out I'll go to work. LOL

I Need A Vacation!

God I'm so burned out! It never seems to stop, not even on my days off! Today I go in and teach my class...at five am this morning one of my workers called in sick...the ac in one of the units went down yesterday so I had to get that fixed...phone never stops ringing...I'm going crazy!

Happy Birthday Sandy!

Today is the birthday of one of the most beautiful women (inside and out!!!) that I've ever met. We've been friends for quite some time now and she's one of the people that I miss the most.

Happy Birthday Sandy!!!
Cliff

Update

I've really been meaning to post more often, but things have been crazy at work. These classes I'm teaching take up almost all of my spare time. However, I only have three more to do and that will take us into September already. Where has the summer gone???!!!
So aside from the classes and the traveling, and the new boss and all the other work shit, here's the update;

My health has been good still smoke and drink too much beer, but have been serios about dumping the smokes in September and cutting down on the brewskies....I can hear my sis and Mr. Matt laughing thier asses off! Quiet you guys! No, I'm really goin to try this time, but for reasons other than my health...I want to start saving money...I want to buy another house within two or three years. Don't know where though. Homes out here are way over-priced...it's nuts! Still thinking about the Seattle area if I can transfer there, but that would probably mean leaving my partner...big decision.
About my partner; She's still out of work and getting more depressed by the day. There just isn't much out here in her field. We've been getting along OK, it's just such a different kind of relationship than I'm used to. I'm just not the type of guy she's used too either...I'm very easy going and complex at the same time. I switch gears fast and I like to dream. I love to talk and plan for the future, I love to have fun and I can make anything fun if you let me! She's the opposite, always with the negative waves...even worse than my first wife!!! But I deal with it...partly out of love but mostly out of some kind of wierd loyalty...I'm that way sometimes.

I'm off today, but have alot of errands to run some of which are work related...just can't get motivated yet but at least I'm writing!

Gonna run for now...back soon.