Bad News From The Computer Hospital

From what the Geek Squad at Best Buy says my computer is terminal. Don't know how many of my pictures I will ever be able to recover. Im not in the position to buy a new one right now so I'll have to go without for the time being. I will continue to post from work but it's not quite as much fun.
On other fronts not much has changed. My moods are all over the map and little problems like the computer and last months car issues just kinda make everything close to unbearable, but I keep pushing on. I keep telling myself that things will work out in the way that should. Some days are harder than others to keep my sanity, but I'm not a quitter and I never give up hope.

I'm OK!

Hi everyone! I'm OK! Thanks for all of the comments...worrying bout me....
My computer at home is down so I can only post at work. It's not a virus or anything I dont think. It just wont power up! So I'm gonna have to take it to the computer hospital!
But again thanks everyone for your concern...means alot to me really.
Will post more later gotta earmn my big bucks!

WTF!

I don't know whether to be angry or sad.
Nothing...
Nada...
Zip!
Not even a "Happy Valentine's Day Den".
I'm starting to feel like an old fool out here.
As broke as I am I run out and get a nice gift...
only to feel stupid.
How many times am I going to be hurt before I get it?
Duh!
I wanna go home!
I'm beating a dead horse here. She isn't for me and she just wants me because she doesnt want to be alone.
Shit I really fucked up my life this time!
Getting out of here would be no easy thing.
Number one I have the best job I've ever had! I'd really miss it and finding one as good back home would be pretty tough.
Plus....youre gonna laugh at this one...I'd miss her so bad.
So what do I do?
I need advice.

Happy Valentine's Day!

OK... now I'm trying to keep a positive attitude here. I'm (was) a big holiday person and so was Kathy. There was not a holiday too small that we didn't do something for. We not only had a christmas tree...we had Valentine's tree, an Easter tree, and a St. Patrick's day tree! I kid you not we really did! The entire house and yard were decorated...It was awesome. Oh yeah we even had a Packer tree there for awhile. All those things I came to see as a normal part of my life are now gone...gone with her...gone, just gone. I still did some of the stuff when I was still in Milwaukee, but it just wasn't much fun decorating all by myself. I was excited when I first moved here that I would once again have someone to share those things with. BIG DISSAPOINTMENT! The first time I talked about it my new "family" looked at me as if I were crazy. I later realized that I was lucky that they made an effort for Christmas! I'm not putting them down or anything...it's not thier fault...we all live our lives differently that's all. But I still miss it.

Sooooo...when holidays roll past not only do I miss Kathy and the rest of my family...I am sadly reminded that life as I knew it and expected it to always remain is gone.

I have to say that this Christmas was pretty good...just different and quick no three month build-up like we had when Kathy was here. No evenings of sippin drinks and planning. No marathon shopping trips... no advanced cooking prep or treats for the kids and grandkids...sigh I miss it all I really do.

OK enough feeling sorry for myself it's time to get some stuff done around here!

"If You Can't Rock Me...Somebody Will!"

Look out everyone...today I woke up with rnergy of Mick Jagger and the craziness of Kieth Richards! I'm sporting the tennacity of Rocky Balboa and the irresistable good looks of ...well...me!

I'm ready for anything!

Homesick

I woke up this morning engulfed in feelings of homesickness.
I miss my family...I miss my house...I miss everything!
It's not a sad feeling though...I can't really describe it. It's just like..."What the fuck am I doing here?"
Oh well, end of the Friday morning pity party...got a busy day ahead. I have five interviews set up at work today(why do I torture myself?) I have to fill this position and there isn't much to choose from. Plus we don't pay very well for this position which makes it even tougher to find somebody good.
I'm sure I'll have a sore throat by the end of the day from talking. So many other things I need to get done but at least my assistant is working today.

Mama's Bible

A friend sent this to me and I just have to share it!

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors andlawyers and prospered.Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussedthe gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away inanother city.The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."The second said," I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in thehouse."The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you knowshe can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacherwho told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twentypreachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 ayear for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has toname the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."The other brothers were impressed.After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.She wrote:"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I haveto clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.""Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.""Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'mnearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.""Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give alittle thought to your gift. The "chicken" was delicious. Thank you."Luv Ya, Mama

A Retreat

Tuesday morning I headed out to the resort and spent the day and night at one of the chalets. It was a nice little chunk of alone time which I discovered I needed more than I thought. I just spent the day reading, watching my Star Wars dvds, eating, and sippin on Miller High Life. Boy it really doesn't get any better than that. I also did the whirlpool bath thing and of course tha hot tub...(not quite the same all by ones self but I can live with that.
No major rediscoveries or anything like that just a nice peaceful 24 hours.

What To Do?

Days just seem to run together. There sometimes seems to be no reason for things...just keep going.
I've realized that I don't seem to have a purpose anymore. No goals, no dreams. I'm suddenly just following everyone else..moving but going nowhere. Seems like the last goal I had was to move out here. Then I stopped! I'm wondering this morning what the hell happened. It's not at all like the old me to just go through the motions. I used to always have some scheme up my sleeve, something to look forward to...something to do. Now I just kind of drift along with no ambition. No real lust for life anymore.
Oh sure, I still have my moments, like when I went snowboarding...but shit that was a year ago! I think my living situation changed me. I really don't have the partner in crime that I thought I'd have. She lives her life in a routine of work,Tv, reading and crossword puzzels...yuck! Not for me! So I just kinda sit and watch things go by. At first I rebelled tried to find things to do, but it really isn't fun doing things alone. At least I don't think so. I've always needed someone to push me on a bit. Kathy and I were always up to something goofy. Man that seems like a million years ago. Then after she was gone there was my sister who always had the time to get involved with my projects, go to ball games, shopping and stuff.
Leave it to me to drive 2000 miles to get trapped in limbo. There doesn't seem to be anyway out. Sometimes I don't know if I want a way out. Something really did break inside of me I think.
I'm doing really well at my job. I was nominated for department head of the year for the entire northern region the other day. I'm told I'm doing great,but you know what? I'm barely trying. Just drifting...doing what I need to do...not like me at all!
What to do ....what to do?

God I miss this guy!

Feeling OK ("I'm OK!")

I wonder sometimes why I keep going back and forth between anxiety and calmness. It’s weird and it drives me crazy! I just came out of a terrible month of depression…I mean real depression…couldn’t eat…couldn’t sleep…the whole bit. Now I feel very calm and content…is it a sign of insanity? Has Cliff finally lost it? Is it the end of the line for our hero? Hmmmmm
Anyway, I feel pretty good today…it’s probably cause I got some rest the last two days. It has been pretty crazy at work. I know you wouldn’t think so with all the nice pictures that I post but lets face it despite the beautiful scenery it’s still a job and a very fast paced and stressful one at that. Not at all like manufacturing where it was pretty much the same set of problems year after year.

Back To Work

Not a bad weekend...didn't do everything I planned to do because of the snow but I did get some rest. Yesterday I did something I rarely do...I layed on the couch,ate, and watched TV all day! I felt kinda guilty but 'OH WELL"