On The Job

I took these at work durning the week.

Long Week

Wow! That was a long hard week! Lot's of stuff going on at work...just didn't have the time or energy to write much.
I have today and tomorrow off baring any problems at the resort. Don't have too much planned other than to rest and regroup.

Good Morning!

Now I'm not raggin'....well maybe I am but tough shit...
I'm a pretty up-beat guy. I believe that everyday is the first day of the rest of your life....as sappy as it sounds I really believe it. Right now I'm stressed out, I'm on the verge of financial ruin, my relationship goes pretty much undefined, and I worry about my heart condition cause they can't figure it out. Plus my job is extremly high stress. But for some strange reason when I get up in the morning and I mean every morning I'm in a good mood. I think it's great! However for the last year or more I've been living with two absolute crabs! Even the kid is a crab and he has nothin to be crabby about! Man it can really rip an an optimistic soul like me. So since I can't say it out-loud.....I'll say it here....
YEHAW!!!! Another day!....I love it!!!!!
Have a great day everyone....live it to the fullest!
Cliff

Beautiful Accident

I hiked up Pilot Butte tonight to get some shots...looking into the viewfinder...was blinded but shot anyway...check it out!

Out Of Milk!

Well, well, well fuckin well! We're out of milk again! Coffee's no fun without milk...and ofcourse NOTHING is open in this city(?) before six am and ofcourse it's only four thirty now!
More pictures from yesterday:

Yes, that is a cougar track. There are still alot of cougars in the area. It makes hiking interesting...never know when one will show up. This track was probably less than four hours old when I found it.

Here are a few more from the hike up Cline Butte:

Time Out

I took time out today and took alittle hike...'bout an hor and a half up Cline Butte located just off the resort to the West. I went up the East side and when I reached the summit...'bout 5000ft,this is what I could see. Mt. JeffersonTwo of the SistersBlack ButteMt. Hood (Portland 250 miles away)Mt. Hood (zoom)

Back And Forth

I belive everyone needs some sort of consistancy in their lives...something however small that stays the same and acts as a grounding point for the spirit. That thing can be almost anything positive...a relationship, a job, even a hobby. Without some sort of positive grounding point we tend to just drift back and forth in a mire of confusion.I like this concept and I tend to agree with it. However what happens when your grounding point loses it's consistancy or it's stability? For example, what if the relationship is solid one day and unstable the next? Or I the job tends to go from good to bad then back again on a fairly regular basis? Does that inconsistancy then become your constant? If that's true, can we can assume that someone with unstable grounding points will become unstable himself, or will he adapt and look inside himself to stay grounded and focused using sheer will?
OK now I have a headache! Way to heavy this early in the morning....but interesting don't you think?

Sick Day?

I think I'm gonna call in sick today! Why? Because we like you!...No because I think I need to spend some unexpected time alone with my partner...that's why!

What Day Is It Anyway?

I always have to ask myself that when I wake up. Working weekends causes each day to be the same I guess. And after working two very long stretches of thirteen days in a row I really got screwed up.
Fortunately I pretty much love my job…It can be very stressful at times but I don’t have to do too much physical labor and I have a lot of control….which is good as I am defiantly a control freak!
I manage a maintenance department for a resort here in Central Oregon. It’s really like being on vacation everyday…especially in the summer. We are on 30,000 acres in the high desert…cascade mountain range all around us. It is simply beautiful…you never get tired of it.
Don’t know why I’m writing this…guess it’s just an excuse to post some pictures. I've taken so many shots out there on the resort...I really ought to take the time to print some up for friends... or just for myself.
Thought I'd throw in a shot of my office...small but homey! I will be moving into a different one sometime soon...not looking forward to that.

Start From...

I don’t know how I feel this morning…
I was just sitting, smoking a cigarette…
Trying to remember when it was the last time I felt really …
Happy.

I found that I couldn’t really remember…
I couldn’t remember what “happy” was.
So I tried even harder and came up with…
Nothing.

Now that’s pretty depressing, I know…
Actually it’s pretty sad…
It’s sad because I think I know how to fix…
Change it.

I watched a movie yesterday…
The main character’s name was Scratch…
As in start from…
Scratch.

Very interesting concept for an older person…
Very scary to be honest with you…but…
Not an impossible one…not at all… but …
How?

Break the paradigm …think outside of the box…
Be innovative… maybe a little crazy…or…brave
It’s not like you haven’t done it before I thought…
Start from scratch.

Still On The Tat Thing

Wow I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement about my superman tattoo. Wow I guess some people do care!
I’ve got a few new years resolutions I’m working on so maybe if I succeed at them I’ll treat myself!

I've been working too much...well, not working but showing up alot.
Getting kinda burnt out but there is so much going on.
My head is spinnig!
Not much to sat tonight but if I don't post I get out of the groove.
I think the tat would be a nice touch.

There is at least one more crazy thing I’d like to do…I’d like to get a tattoo. Just a small one…on my left shoulder. I’d like the Superman symbol. I know…I hear you all laughing especially those who know what I look like. But hell, I think it’d be cool…what can I say.

What Me Worry?

I'm seeing how easy it is for me to drift into that "poor me" frame of mind. I've looked back at some of my posts and in my daily journal and wow have I been in a funk. There are alot of stressfull things going on in my life right now though, so I've had to lean on this page to blow off alot of the anxiety that builds up.
I have to continue to tell myself that this is an adventure that I alone chose to embark on.I knew it was a long shot and I knew it may not be easy. Somewhere in the last month or so I started to forget that. I also began to forget some of the good things that have happened out here. The friends I've made, although not many, are good friends. The job I landed however stressful is still my dream job. And things still work out one way or another so why sweat the small stuff!

Hell I've still got a roof over my head...it isn't emotionally comfortable at the moment ,but I'm not homeless(yet). And I've got my car(although it's currently in pieces waiting for a repair part.) And I've still got my partner...eventhough she hates my guts at the moment, I'm not exactly alone.
So what the fuck? What me worry?

The Fog

Feeling my way through the fog
Each step a risk
Each movement made in trust

Edging ever so slowly
Something comes into view
Then it blurs away

Slowly making my way
Guessing at everything I touch
Hoping for something real

Good Night

Another day comes to a close…nothing eventful…just wondering how it will all go. They say all things will pass. Or was that George Harrison…I don’t know, but they always do. The things that you stress over and the things you worry about today always yield and you find yourself stressing and worrying about something new..
Anyway…on that pleasant note…
Goodnight

I Miss Touching

I miss touching. We never touch around here.
We never talk much either…I mean really talk.
But it’s touching I miss the most.

I wonder if you can loose your sanity from that….
I feel I am.

Such anxiety this morning..
It’s just swallowing me up.
The usual optimisim isn’t kicking in.
And I feel scared.

How will it all end I wonder.
Will I eventually crack?
Burst into uncontrollable tears?
Roll into a ball and die?

That which used to keep me going seems gone.
I can’t find it.
Do I even want to find it?
Is all lost?

I miss touching. We never touch around here.
We never talk much either…I mean really talk.
But it’s touching I miss the most.

A Visit To The Doctor

I went to my new cardiologist this morning. More tests ahead. He’s not sure that the diagnosis in Vegas was accurate…my heart looks and sounds pretty good,,, BUT…”Quit smoking NOW or die!” AND this is the bad part….absolutely no more than four beers a day and work down to one! WTF!!!!
Also ………..
I’m supposed to eat…eat…eat!!!!! He doesn’t really care what at this point, just don’t smoke and eat! He also encouraged me to exercise…he said I should snowboard again if I want or something like it to build back up.EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
So there…..
You'll have to excuse me now while I ponder this traumatic lifestyle change that is looming in front of me.

Just Another Monday I Guess

Wow I sure wrote a lot yesterday! Lots of feelings floating around…It’s always been easy for me to put a plan together but sticking to it has always been hard.
I’ll give it the old college try I guess.
I’m off today so there are a few things I want to get done around the house.
I want to do some reading as well…haven’t gotten too far with Atlas Shrugged, but it’s very good so far.
I also need to call work and give them some direction…
Feeling kind of overwhelmed today already. And I don’t know why. There is still a lot of tension around here that’s hard to cope with. Yesterday was ok as long as I stayed to myself. I hate that though; watching everything I say and do really kind of sucks.

"Change I Must"

Sometimes I think,” why even try?”
Why bother with trying to make her love me…I can’t…I should see that it’s obvious we made a mistake. It takes two people to try. If one just expects the other to do all of the emotional work…it CAN’T work. I’m just so tired of feeling sad. I’m just so tired of being lonely. I have never felt this alone and I’ve lived alone for a large portion of my life. But here I sit living with someone and feeling alone.
I remember years ago…I was living in Florida, and I was very unhappy…real down and out (I think it was my Keith Richards period) I don’t know…but anyway I was coming out of a 7-11 with a twelve pack of beer, and I ran into a chick I had worked with but hadn’t seen in along time. We sat in my car, cracked a few beers, and reminisced. At one point she asked,” How' ya doin’…really?”
I proceeded to talk of how things really were…how I was on a down hill slide…and she put her hand on mine and said firmly,” Change it”
She said nothing further.
And I did!
Change it that is.
Sometimes the answer is so simple…right there in front of us that we don’t see it. Sometimes we do see it but think we can’t do it. We think we don’t have the [power or it’s just too complicated, so we don’t even try.
I think that’s what I’ve been doing…same as last time just drifting in a bad situation(which makes it worse)and just hoping for something to happen rather than making it happen.
It’s like I’ve drifted back into my down and out period all over again…I’m just drifting or actually sitting in a holding pattern waiting for something to happen.
Right now I’m sitting here remembering when I decided to move here. It was such a long shot but I did it! I got here and landed a fantastic job, got to know some great people and was starting a great new life. BUT…the reason I moved here, the person whom I thought was the new love of my life turned out to be not who I thought she was. She couldn’t accept me for who I was…who I was comfortable with…the real me! She was mean (and sometimes continues to be mean). She tore me down! Well that’s mot exactly true…I ALLOWED her to tear me down. I tried to change myself so she would love me. I let all my other responsibilities go just to be in her good graces. Well guess what. She has no good graces.
Bottom line is I virtually sold my soul for her and she doesn’t want me. Or at least she doesn’t want me the way I want (wanted) her. One night, not too long ago, I asked her if she loved me. Do you know what she said?! She said,” I don’t want to be alone”. Words cannot describe how those words made me feel.
After all of our back and forths this past year, all the hurtful things said and done, when she said that…well, something clicked in my brain (FINALLY!) That was the final gun…the last round…the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning….I don’t know…but suddenly my mind went back to that night in Florida long ago…sitting in a car with a virtual stranger, feeling not so different than I do now…and I heard those words again…the words of a muse, “Change it”.

So change it I must. I hope it’s not too late…it’s never too late I guess. But how? How do I change it? And what must I change? Do I change who I am? Well…yes maybe. Because who you are is not rally you! You (I) need to change who I have become. I have to search back to who I was. The person I as when I started this adventure. I have to think and reach back a year or so…to the real man I was. It may be painful. It may be hard to get back there. I’ve been conditioned out of need to act the way I do…and the need or the perceived need still exists…I’m still alone out here. I’m in a galaxy far removed from the one I’m used too. And I’m not only talking about location. I am referring to a state of mind, hers, and some of the people out here. I’m talking about a different culture (the “West Coast” attitude really does exist!) People are different here. It’s pretty much ten years behind the mid-west as far as behavior and culture. I’m also talking about a dependency on the need to be loved. The need to have people around me…that’s who I am weather she likes it or not. I am a touchy-feely person….a hugs and kisses kind of guy…I can’t help it. She considers that personality unmanly…gay…I guess. And really that whole thing, the non-acceptance of who I was on her part, is what started my transition. I tried to change my accent” too Canadian”…”I’m not Canadian!” I tried not to touch people when I talk…”too annoying”…I stopped listening to my music…”too weird”. I stopped talking politics and watching FOX News….”All bullshit.” I stopped writing her notes and giving her cards…they usually went into the garbage. I stopped bringing home flowers…they went unattended and went the way of the cards. I stopped saying “I love you”…the words were never returned.

So change I will..back to the person I was meant to be. Back to the person I liked a whole lot.

Happy New Year!

Well here we are…another year. They just coming and coming. This time though I think it’s going to be a big one for me. I’m not sure if it will be good or bad, but it’s going to be big. There are a lot of changes coming and most of them are going to have to be initiated by me.