"Change I Must"
Sometimes I think,” why even try?”
Why bother with trying to make her love me…I can’t…I should see that it’s obvious we made a mistake. It takes two people to try. If one just expects the other to do all of the emotional work…it CAN’T work. I’m just so tired of feeling sad. I’m just so tired of being lonely. I have never felt this alone and I’ve lived alone for a large portion of my life. But here I sit living with someone and feeling alone.
I remember years ago…I was living in Florida, and I was very unhappy…real down and out (I think it was my Keith Richards period) I don’t know…but anyway I was coming out of a 7-11 with a twelve pack of beer, and I ran into a chick I had worked with but hadn’t seen in along time. We sat in my car, cracked a few beers, and reminisced. At one point she asked,” How' ya doin’…really?”
I proceeded to talk of how things really were…how I was on a down hill slide…and she put her hand on mine and said firmly,” Change it”
She said nothing further.
And I did!
Change it that is.
Sometimes the answer is so simple…right there in front of us that we don’t see it. Sometimes we do see it but think we can’t do it. We think we don’t have the [power or it’s just too complicated, so we don’t even try.
I think that’s what I’ve been doing…same as last time just drifting in a bad situation(which makes it worse)and just hoping for something to happen rather than making it happen.
It’s like I’ve drifted back into my down and out period all over again…I’m just drifting or actually sitting in a holding pattern waiting for something to happen.
Right now I’m sitting here remembering when I decided to move here. It was such a long shot but I did it! I got here and landed a fantastic job, got to know some great people and was starting a great new life. BUT…the reason I moved here, the person whom I thought was the new love of my life turned out to be not who I thought she was. She couldn’t accept me for who I was…who I was comfortable with…the real me! She was mean (and sometimes continues to be mean). She tore me down! Well that’s mot exactly true…I ALLOWED her to tear me down. I tried to change myself so she would love me. I let all my other responsibilities go just to be in her good graces. Well guess what. She has no good graces.
Bottom line is I virtually sold my soul for her and she doesn’t want me. Or at least she doesn’t want me the way I want (wanted) her. One night, not too long ago, I asked her if she loved me. Do you know what she said?! She said,” I don’t want to be alone”. Words cannot describe how those words made me feel.
After all of our back and forths this past year, all the hurtful things said and done, when she said that…well, something clicked in my brain (FINALLY!) That was the final gun…the last round…the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning….I don’t know…but suddenly my mind went back to that night in Florida long ago…sitting in a car with a virtual stranger, feeling not so different than I do now…and I heard those words again…the words of a muse, “Change it”.
So change it I must. I hope it’s not too late…it’s never too late I guess. But how? How do I change it? And what must I change? Do I change who I am? Well…yes maybe. Because who you are is not rally you! You (I) need to change who I have become. I have to search back to who I was. The person I as when I started this adventure. I have to think and reach back a year or so…to the real man I was. It may be painful. It may be hard to get back there. I’ve been conditioned out of need to act the way I do…and the need or the perceived need still exists…I’m still alone out here. I’m in a galaxy far removed from the one I’m used too. And I’m not only talking about location. I am referring to a state of mind, hers, and some of the people out here. I’m talking about a different culture (the “West Coast” attitude really does exist!) People are different here. It’s pretty much ten years behind the mid-west as far as behavior and culture. I’m also talking about a dependency on the need to be loved. The need to have people around me…that’s who I am weather she likes it or not. I am a touchy-feely person….a hugs and kisses kind of guy…I can’t help it. She considers that personality unmanly…gay…I guess. And really that whole thing, the non-acceptance of who I was on her part, is what started my transition. I tried to change my accent” too Canadian”…”I’m not Canadian!” I tried not to touch people when I talk…”too annoying”…I stopped listening to my music…”too weird”. I stopped talking politics and watching FOX News….”All bullshit.” I stopped writing her notes and giving her cards…they usually went into the garbage. I stopped bringing home flowers…they went unattended and went the way of the cards. I stopped saying “I love you”…the words were never returned.
So change I will..back to the person I was meant to be. Back to the person I liked a whole lot.
Why bother with trying to make her love me…I can’t…I should see that it’s obvious we made a mistake. It takes two people to try. If one just expects the other to do all of the emotional work…it CAN’T work. I’m just so tired of feeling sad. I’m just so tired of being lonely. I have never felt this alone and I’ve lived alone for a large portion of my life. But here I sit living with someone and feeling alone.
I remember years ago…I was living in Florida, and I was very unhappy…real down and out (I think it was my Keith Richards period) I don’t know…but anyway I was coming out of a 7-11 with a twelve pack of beer, and I ran into a chick I had worked with but hadn’t seen in along time. We sat in my car, cracked a few beers, and reminisced. At one point she asked,” How' ya doin’…really?”
I proceeded to talk of how things really were…how I was on a down hill slide…and she put her hand on mine and said firmly,” Change it”
She said nothing further.
And I did!
Change it that is.
Sometimes the answer is so simple…right there in front of us that we don’t see it. Sometimes we do see it but think we can’t do it. We think we don’t have the [power or it’s just too complicated, so we don’t even try.
I think that’s what I’ve been doing…same as last time just drifting in a bad situation(which makes it worse)and just hoping for something to happen rather than making it happen.
It’s like I’ve drifted back into my down and out period all over again…I’m just drifting or actually sitting in a holding pattern waiting for something to happen.
Right now I’m sitting here remembering when I decided to move here. It was such a long shot but I did it! I got here and landed a fantastic job, got to know some great people and was starting a great new life. BUT…the reason I moved here, the person whom I thought was the new love of my life turned out to be not who I thought she was. She couldn’t accept me for who I was…who I was comfortable with…the real me! She was mean (and sometimes continues to be mean). She tore me down! Well that’s mot exactly true…I ALLOWED her to tear me down. I tried to change myself so she would love me. I let all my other responsibilities go just to be in her good graces. Well guess what. She has no good graces.
Bottom line is I virtually sold my soul for her and she doesn’t want me. Or at least she doesn’t want me the way I want (wanted) her. One night, not too long ago, I asked her if she loved me. Do you know what she said?! She said,” I don’t want to be alone”. Words cannot describe how those words made me feel.
After all of our back and forths this past year, all the hurtful things said and done, when she said that…well, something clicked in my brain (FINALLY!) That was the final gun…the last round…the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning….I don’t know…but suddenly my mind went back to that night in Florida long ago…sitting in a car with a virtual stranger, feeling not so different than I do now…and I heard those words again…the words of a muse, “Change it”.
So change it I must. I hope it’s not too late…it’s never too late I guess. But how? How do I change it? And what must I change? Do I change who I am? Well…yes maybe. Because who you are is not rally you! You (I) need to change who I have become. I have to search back to who I was. The person I as when I started this adventure. I have to think and reach back a year or so…to the real man I was. It may be painful. It may be hard to get back there. I’ve been conditioned out of need to act the way I do…and the need or the perceived need still exists…I’m still alone out here. I’m in a galaxy far removed from the one I’m used too. And I’m not only talking about location. I am referring to a state of mind, hers, and some of the people out here. I’m talking about a different culture (the “West Coast” attitude really does exist!) People are different here. It’s pretty much ten years behind the mid-west as far as behavior and culture. I’m also talking about a dependency on the need to be loved. The need to have people around me…that’s who I am weather she likes it or not. I am a touchy-feely person….a hugs and kisses kind of guy…I can’t help it. She considers that personality unmanly…gay…I guess. And really that whole thing, the non-acceptance of who I was on her part, is what started my transition. I tried to change my accent” too Canadian”…”I’m not Canadian!” I tried not to touch people when I talk…”too annoying”…I stopped listening to my music…”too weird”. I stopped talking politics and watching FOX News….”All bullshit.” I stopped writing her notes and giving her cards…they usually went into the garbage. I stopped bringing home flowers…they went unattended and went the way of the cards. I stopped saying “I love you”…the words were never returned.
So change I will..back to the person I was meant to be. Back to the person I liked a whole lot.
posted by Cliffhanger Jones at 8:39 AM
3 Comments:
Cliff,
Holy Cow!! You do a good job of putting your thoughts in writing - this one was hard for me to read. I'm dealing with the loneliness but the difference is I'm alone so that makes it easier for me. I'm not usually one for "self-help" books but one that I've skimmed that looks like it might be worthwhile is Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" but would only be of value if you could get her to read it with you.
I'm certainly no authority on relationships but one thing I always told my kids was to make a "pro and con" list for a given situation or problem and that will usually give you your answer. Maybe it's to the point where there isn't any "pro" in your relationship?
Have you asked her "if you don't want to be alone why are you pushing me away?"
I hope you can make it work - there must be something that you saw that makes it worth figuring out but of course you have to have cooperation.
I know you're not asking for help and if I get on your nerves just tell me to shut up and I'll understand.
Bill
I am 13-1/2 months into my grief journey. I have found comfort and a sense of connection in reading your blog. Thank you - Suzann
I to often wonder what makes oneself loose oneself for another? Why is there a need within to make others happy while loosing a part of yourself? I tend to do it over and over again and am begining to see that perhaps that is a part of who I am.
Do I always like it? No! You say change--is that always possible? Are some things so ingrained in you that its part of who you are?
I don't want to stop talking politics or watching Fox News. Shold I expect the one I'm with to do the same--or is that wishful thinking? To expect to find someone who enjoys the same things as you do, but yet be their own person, is that too much to ask? Perhaps its not too much to ask, but rather too much to expect when you give up so much of yourself for another and then wonder what the hell went wrong. You write with such feeling and insight--will any of it help you in the long run? Certainly can't hurt to get to know yourself by putting it down in writting, especially when you feel alone and no one listens.
It's good to know that you are not alone in the world and speaking for myself feel like having this understanding will help me get through what I am feeling also. Thank you.
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