A Reason To Go On

I don’t do alone very well. I think every guy would like to think of himself as a loner, the tough don’t need anybody type…we think it’s macho or something. I do. But I don’t like it much. Well maybe being alone by choice is ok sometimes, but my living situation isn’t quite like that. You see I live with someone I absolutely adore. In fact I moved thousands of miles to be with her. Left everything and took a leap of faith. I still have faith, but it’s dwindling.
Now this is going to be very hard to explain: I feel more alone than ever even though I’m with the person I love. I don’t know if it’s because I’m comparing her to other loves or what, but I just feel alone. I talk to her and she talks to me, but I don’t feel heard. We touch each other (not enough, but we touch), but I don’t feel touched. Deep down I’d like to think she loves me, but she rarely says it anymore…and for some people that may not be a big thing but for me it’s devastating.
I know how I feel, but I’m not sure about her. All I know is that I’m finding it harder and harder to function in the real world with these feelings of aloness haunting me. If she would just say something soft and sweet once and awhile…if she would just reach out now and then and re-assure me that she wants me, needs me, I’d be back on track…willing to do anything.
There is this scene in the second Rocky movie; Adrian is in a coma after childbirth. She didn’t want Rocky to fight again; he’s down…really down. But now that he may lose her he’s determined to give it all up for her. But she comes out of the coma, and says to him “win”. That still gives me chills… That’s what I want. That’s what I need.