Why I Post

The following is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to a dear friend this morning. I’m posting it (heavily edited} to give anyone who reads this blog a real insight into who I am and what I’m feeling at the moment. That’s why I started this blog. I don’t post these things for sympathy, or to point a finger, or cry in my beer, I post for me. I also post for whomever might be feeling what I am feeling…good or bad so they may know that they are not alone…we are not alone. I also post for hope. Hope that as I type, venting and searching for answers and solutions, others may benefit in some way even if it’s just a laugh.
Cliff

Hey!

Sorry to hear that my blog worries you...it's the only real outlet I have. Sometimes it's all that keeps me goin.
You yourself are very wise. Your advice to me has always been right on, but I guess I don't know, or have forgotten how to look within myself. My move out here ended up being a dependency on someone else. That wasn't the plan, but that's how it worked out. I don't want to admit it was a mistake, and I haven't yet, but sometimes I don't know. If I look back on the last year as a whole...I haven't been happy. There was always something wrong ......
I don't know...that has always made me sad. I love my job and I've met some very cool people out here, but I don't feel and never really have felt like ME since I arrived......
....there were some bad things said in the beginning...that's when it all started. That's when I lost some of my valuable assets(my pride,my arrogance lol, my self-esteem). I found myself doing some shitty things to some very nice people...for the first time in my life I couldn't say that I am a nice guy...one of the good guys, and that makes me feel REAL bad on the inside.
I try really hard to get back on track,but it all seems so hopeless sometimes. Even in the darkest times of my life I've never felt like this...so alone...afraid to do anything so here I am just stagnating,writing on a stupid blog and hoping one day I'll wake up and I'll be back in "Kansas"...one day I'll wake up and I'll be loved and respected again....one day I'll wake up and be happy...