Just Thinking

Lots of thought running through my head this morning. Thinking about the future a lot. Thinking about the past too. It’s getting close to the fourth anniversary. Can you believe it? Four years since she died. Believe it or not I still have days where it seems like a bad dream. I still slip and think she’s still out there in the kitchen back home mixing a drink or cooking something special. There are times when I can still here her voice. There are so many times when I just want to talk to her just one more time. Especially now when I feel so lost without her. I want to apologize for all the stupid things I’ve done since she died. I want to explain that I was just so lost and lonely and scared when she left. I also want to tell her that she truly was the love of my life.

I’m thinking about the present too. I’m sitting here asking myself if I’m happy. I guess I am with certain aspects of my life. I am happy with my job some days I’m happy with my relationship with my partner, but that feeling doesn’t last very long. I keep hoping things will change for the better. I keep thinking and hoping that more time will make things better. But then I keep thinking that time is just slipping away from me. I want to be happy NOW!

My co-workers are encouraging me to apply for a position that has become available in Seattle. I have a good chance of getting it too. I am afraid to even apply because that would mean leaving her. She already told me she won’t come with me and that really hurt. But, what else is new…she always hurts me in one way or another. I’m just afraid to go. I sick as it sounds this live has become my comfort zone. I’m not really happy, but at least I’m not alone.