A Happy Place

Trying to get to a happy place in my mind tonight…it’s not working too well. I’m trying to remember how it felt to get home at night and be greeted by a “hi hon” Or to pull up to my sister’s place and here a “hey Den wazup?” Or have Donna and Roger walking in and help themselves to my booze. Or walk into Tap City on National Avenue and have everyone stop and say hi. Or my daughter walk over to the house and say “hi daddy”. And I’d just about do anything right now to here mini-me call me “papa” again. Then there is Mr. Matt with his “Hey UD”. And it would be nice to hear someone call me Denny again (in person).

Trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself tonight…really hard…but it is hard with the holidays coming. I have had to work every holiday since I got out here, but for this Thanksgiving I caught a break…I can have off. I came home tonight to spread the good news…I should’ve kept it to myself. I was told that I’m not allowed in the kitchen unless she needs help. I countered with “Why don’t you let me cook this time?” “No way, your cooking isn’t very good.”

“Ouch Baby”

That hurt really bad.

I don’t know…is it true? Has everyone just been humoring me all these years? I’ve been doing holiday dinners and parties and cook outs and tail-gate bashes for years. Has it all been in my mind? Do I really suck at it? Has everyone just been lying to me when they complimented me?

This is bad…really bad.

Cooking has always been one of my great stress relievers…something I really enjoyed. Now to be told I can’t even help? Might as well just go to work. Is McDonalds open on Thanksgiving?

Awe...it's been the same thing with everything about me since I moved here. The way I talk, the way I move... my eyes...my love-makong (ouch again baby)...all the things nobody has ever voiced an issue with me over before are now my major faults! Can this be right? Have I been walking around in a fantasy world in regards to how people percieve me? Do I in fact really suck at everything I thought I was good at? Hmm...this kinda changes things if it's true. Am I not who I think I am?

"Could be trouble for our hero"

Let me think on this concept for a minute.

I'm just tired I guess. I feel like I'm getting punched out here. (Time for some ROCKY theme music).